The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
