Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
