I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I accidentally burped into my bong.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
