The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
