Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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