her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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