No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
How's work?
Spinning.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
