my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Come share oat with me in your robe
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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