I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
