he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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