Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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