tell your sister to shave her snatch
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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