So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
