At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
