Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
this will be a night to untag.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Randomize
