God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
