I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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