I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
