My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
