I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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