Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
