I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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