i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
