Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize
