I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
