i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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