Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I love how my cats smell like pot.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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