Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
