After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
