Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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