Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize