ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
