I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
