Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
