THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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