And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
