I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
