So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
