Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize