Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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