I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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