i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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