The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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