omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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