Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
