i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
