On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
