the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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