Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
