i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
