Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
