once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
