there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize