I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
