thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
