She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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