i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize