im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
