Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
