I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
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