the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
