Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
