Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
