I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
