Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
