i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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